Question: Assalam aleykum,
I am heartbroken about my wife’s troubled past. While we were engaged, I found out that she had many boyfriends in college. She doesn’t know how shattered I am about her past. Why did Allah do this to me?
I love her, yet she irritates me. She doesn’t communicate enough with me especially when I’m angry with her, and she prefers watching TV over studying Islam.
What can I do? Leave her in hands of Allah but ignore or consistently call her and remind her?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.
Tribulation
It sounds like you were under a lot of family pressure to get married to your wife. That being said, you chose to marry her, and now you are living with the consequences. Please take responsibility for your contribution to your difficulty, and choose to behave with maturity.
I see a few options for you:
1) Learn better ways to communicate with your wife and commit to improving your marriage.
2) Seek out a marriage counsellor to help you and your wife sort out your differences.
3) Do nothing differently, and risk destroying your marriage.
Healing
There is great wisdom behind why Allah commands us to hide our sins. It is only natural for you to feel devastated about your wife’s past. Please make space for your feelings of deep pain and grief. Work on ways to process and release these strong feelings – and not on your wife.
I recommend that you consult this website – Emotional First Aid and The Anger Iceberg.
Wife’s past
“…except the one who repents and believes and does good deeds, then Allah will replace the evils of such people by good deeds, and Allah is Most-Forgiving, Very-Merciful.” [Qur’an, 25:70]
Your wife’s past sin is over. I pray that she has made a complete repentance. It is not difficult for Allah to transform her bad deeds into good ones.
You sound frustrated with your wife. You want her to be more religious. You want her to treat your parents better. You wished she had been more chaste in the past.
Because you did not engage in sinful pre-marital behaviour, you feel entitled to a wife who did the same. This is a mistake. Every time your wife does something that irritates you, your feelings of entitlement kick in. You risk holding her in contempt, criticising her, feeling stonewalled, and becoming defensive when she is unhappy with you. These are all ingredients for divorce.
Prayer of Guidance
Please perform the Prayer of Guidance about how to move forward. Be honest with yourself. If you are unwilling and/or unable to put in the hard work to make your marriage work, then it is better for you to let your wife go.
Marriage
Love is not enough for your marriage to survive, let alone thrive. A successful marriage requires daily work, sacrifice, forgiveness, and tremendous maturity. Please refer to this: Masters of Love.
I encourage you and your wife to give your marriage a chance. The key here is your ability to decide that she is worth the work.
Excellent Character
The reality of being creation is this – we do not question the choices of our Creator. We strive to do the best we can, with what He gives us. I cannot tell you why Allah allowed your marriage to happen, but I can tell you that you can either make this better or worse. If you choose to, you can transform yourself into a kinder, more generous, more forgiving version of yourself. If you do not choose this higher path, then you will sink to the lower path of being consumed by resentment and anger.
Mother
You cannot nag or force your wife to be the model wife you feel that you deserve. Please do not expect your wife to be a version of your mother. Comparing her to your mother will only make things worse.
Look at it this way. What do you long for from your wife? Love and acceptance? It is likely that she feels the same way. Can you accept and embrace her as she is? You yourself are far from perfect, and you too have sinned. Your sins are simply different to hers. Humble yourself with that knowledge.
I pray that Allah grants you wisdom, forgiveness, and the courage to heal your marriage.
And Allah knows best.
Answered by [Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
SeekersGuidance
Proudly brought to you by SeekersHub Global, more SeekersAnswer can be found at http://www.seekersguidance.org/ans-blog.
Since You’re Here… we have a small favour to ask.
In these extraordinary times, millions rely on HOTD for daily uplifting & inspiring content. Established since 2009 and with your kind support we’ve seen readers elevate their Imaan & strive for better on a daily basis. We’re committed to keeping our content freely available and open for all readers. Every contribution, however big or small, makes a difference and help us spread knowledge to millions daily
HOTD is something special, it’s a place where people can come to be inspired, to renew their faith, to learn and share knowledge, to fall in love with our faith and also our Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him and his family).
All content on HOTD is free. We believe what we do in this life builds for the next one and we work tirelessly with the aim to please Allah and inspire the global Muslim community as
well as providing information and inspiration for anyone interested in Islam. We simply cannot do this without your support and your support helps us continue our services.
If there were ever a time to join us, it is now. You can support HOTD and help sustain our future. Support Hadith of the Day and make a one-off donation or give regularly from as little as £10 a month Jazak’Allah Khayr – whatever you donate will come back to benefit you Insha’Allah as whatever is spent in the way of Allah is an investment in the future and the next life. Thank you.
